I had been friends with a buddy of mine for year but we’ve always had some sort of chemistry, some connection. I’ve seen him through a couple relationships and he’s countlessly reassured me I’d find someone too. Flash forward, we finally decided to forgo all of our qualms about ruining the friendship and cross the friend zone line.
It was perfect, it was everything we had been waiting for. We were finally able to go on all the dates we wanted, talk to each other endlessly, and show our affection without the fear that the other didn’t feel the same. All of this came with some unexpected baggage. The line between us had become fuzzy and I wasn’t sure if I could completely be as open and honest as before without hurting him or picking a fight.
I had gained a boyfriend, but I felt like I had lost a friend. I completely believe that your boyfriend should be your best friend in the sense that you spend a lot of time together and know parts of each other that others don’t but the term “friend” is so subjective.
I felt like I had to be on my “best behavior” because my normal self wasn’t enough. The comfort and ease I felt around him before had vanished. I realize that my normal self was the one he was attracted to in the first place but the dynamic of our relationship had changed and that version wasn’t one that I personally was attracted to anymore.
I have a hard time deciphering between the difference between a “friend” and a “boyfriend” and it would be easy to say they are one in the same sans the physical aspect but that would be wrong.
A relationship comes with a different set of expectations that I guess I wasn’t ready for, at least with him. When we transitioned from friends to lovers, there was a change in our conversation and the way we could act around each other. I had seen the way his past relationships have gone down and was afraid we couldn’t defy the odds.
I had wanted so bad for this to work. I had seen the way his ex’s treated him and told myself I could do better, I would do better. I wanted to show him what a happy, healthy relationship looked like and for him to do the same for me. We had waited so long for this build up and it should’ve been like a cinematic ending, but instead it was a harsh reality.
I guess when you know someone so well from a platonic standpoint, its a different side of them than from a romantic perspective. I strongly believe that friendship makes a strong foundation for a relationship but at the same time, what happens when you’ve gotten too used to being friends?
I had destroyed not only our relationship but also our friendship. As much as we try to be “friendly” with each other, we’re never going to be the same purely unadulterated friends with an air of mystery around us. We’ve become the exes that we used to rant to each other about and thought we would never be. Even if time smooths things over, there will always be a chip in our friendship that one week of experimentation left behind and I would do anything to have that innocence back.